Breaking News: Digg.com “Soccer” Diggers Forget Shovels in Frightening Section Tragedy

Outraged football fans everywhere today were terrified to discover that the Digg.com “Soccer” section has officially entered a drought, and that the soil is “Unmanageable. Impossible to till or shovel.”

One anonymous bystander commented anonymously: “It’s like, what the hell? I can only digg so much, man. Over and over I’m trying, but nobody checks to see if my seeds are Upcoming? Laaaaayyyme.”

In an attempt to fully realize the situation’s context holistically, the folks at EPLAnalysis have decided to consult a world-renowned specialist, professional minimum-wage laborer, and (illegal) immigrant Juan Armando ‘The Spade’ Diego Rodriguez. We sat down with ‘The Spade’ recently and discussed the issue in a no holds barred, out-and-out, one hundred and ten percent, interview. The Q & A occurred as is and remains unedited:

Hello Juan. How are you today?
I’m doing pretty good man, pretty good. You?

Awful. Haven’t you heard? “The tragedy,” it’s everywhere–all over the news.
What tragedy? What happened?

Wow. Well I don’t know how to put this exactly, but the digg soccer section–well–it “suckz.”
…

…..
…

Are you alright?
Yea.

Basically, we think the problem lies in the fact that digg is compromised of “a bunch of weird nerdy guys” and that because of this, they don’t care about soccer. What do you think?
What is digg.

Exactly! What is digg? To understand the problem we’ve got to pin the tail on the donkey first! Nature of the beast and all that jazz!
Yea, I don’t know.

It’s all about the nature of the beast.
Yea, I mean–

The diggers seem to have forgotten to bring shovels to the pitch.
What?

Shovels. They’re not bringing shovels. My mom always used to tell me, like, over and over again, “Mess with the bull and you’ll get the horns.” Looks like she was right. I love you, Mom.
Oh. Soccer.

Yea! Soccer! Why doesn’t anyone take advantage of the digg soccer section?
Well, “to each his own”: maybe the guys just aren’t soccer fans?

“To each his own.”
Yea.

Juan.
What?

(Smiling) I love you.
OK.

And that’s it folks. Problem solved. Diggers just aren’t soccer fans. A careful analysis of the section shows some devoted members trying to pull the section out of the soil and make it interesting, but the guys just aren’t “Picking up what we’re putting down.” You know?

Terribly unfortunate. Soccer deserves better.

Ah well, lads. Let’s grab a pint and shimmy up to the pub for a look at the local birds. There’s footy on, anyways.

Tevez on his way to London?

According to Carlos Tevez’s agent, the brilliant Argentinian is close to a move to the Premiership.  While a move to Manchester United seems the most likely, it’s tough to rule Chelski out of any transfer, something United fans know all too well.  In addition, speculation says that Villa’s new management will be eager to sign a big name, and that Spurs are looking to purchase the player.

Although South Americans in general tend to perform poorly in the Premiership, Tevez is a strong, athletic footballer.  And let’s not forget Tevez’s Argentina teammate, Hernan Crespo, actually did quite well for himself in England.

It’ll be interesting to see how a player as successful as Tevez has been does in the Prem.  And to the folks at EPLAnalysis, a move to Villa or United seems the most likely.

Champions League Fodder

Draw for the 2006/07 Champions League

Group A
BARCELONA
Chelsea
Werder Bremen
Levski Sofia

Group B
INTER MILAN
Bayern Munich
Sporting Lisbon
Spartak Moscow

Group C
LIVERPOOL
PSV Eindhoven
Bordeaux
Galatasaray

Group D
VALENCIA
Roma
Olympiakos
Shakhtar Donetsk

Group E
REAL MADRID
Lyon
Steaua Bucharest
Dynamo Kiev

Group F
MANCHESTER UNITED
Celtic
Benfica
FC Copenhagen

Group G
ARSENAL
Porto
CSKA Moscow
Hamburg

Group H
AC MILAN
Lille
AEK Athens
Anderlecht

Yikes, Chelsea and Barca in the same group.  Should be an interesting one, but hopefully Chelsea will be able to get healthy and provide Barca with a good match.

Should be fn regardless.  They’ve got an interesting little rivalry going.

F#*%: Chelsea v Boro

Awful. Chelsea, your best asset under Mourinho is to take over the match and dictate pace. What happened?
Today’s match was the worst display of closing down a match I’ve ever seen by the Blues. The back line, typically the most solid in the prem, decided that running around with eyes closed was a better strategy than actually defending.

The following players were downright awful:

1. Salomon Kalou, who decided that acting like quicksand was a fantastic tactic. Thanks for sucking Bridge too far up and for pulling Sheva back so far he couldn’t stay up top.
2. Carlo Cudicini, who looked about as commanding and decisive as a marshmallow. And what the hell is wrong with his vision? Everytime a Boro player decided to shoot from 25+ yards I had to cringe because lord knows Carlo won’t be able to get anywhere near it

I don’t remember the following players being on the pitch:

1. Claude Makelele
2. Carvalho
3. Ferreira

The following players looked good or worked hard but failed to make an impression on the game:

1. Didier Drogba, who worked hard but lacked anticipation, positioning, and a cutting edge
2. Frank Lampard. The distribution was sharp but he failed to impose himself on the game. Should have put Sheva’s cross in the back of the net
3. Michael Essien. Would have preferred to see him playing holding midfield rather than Makelele
4. John Terry. It’s actually unfair to lump him in here since he always plays well, but unfortunately he couldn’t keep the back line as organized as we’ve come to expect.

But a few of Chelsea’s players did manage to make an impact and look dangerous. They are:

1. Andriy Shevchenko
2. Wayne Bridge

Sheva looked solid and, without a doubt, truly world-class. His brilliant run down the left really showed off not only his excellent turn of pace, but also his touch and superb awareness. Loved Sheva’s work rate, too. And Wayne Bridge had another solid game. Looked great when he would bypass Kalou and link up with Shevchenko down the left. Good marking, tackling, and positioning. His low crosses have resulted in Chelsea goals twice in four days. Good work. It’s a shame that Arjen Robben had to pick up a calf injury during the warm-ups, or I can see this left side really working well.
Unfortunately for Chelsea, injuries are just too much to overcome at the moment. Jose was only able to throw on ONE sub, and it was in the 84th minute and it was the highly ineffective SWP. Our bench consisted of SWP, Hilario, Boulahrouz, Mikel, and Diarra–without a doubt, about as weak a bench as you’ll see Chelsea utilize all season.

Good job Middlesbrough, who showed tons of spirit and the edge in front of goal that Chelsea lacked. You worked hard and never gave up. Came out after the half full of fight. Congratulations.

Making Sense of Gallas and Cole

Since this particular topic seems to have such a large base of discussion amongst the footy bloggers, here are EPL Analysis’ feelings as they’ve appeared on various other blogs:

“I just don’t see Gallas filling in at left-back for Arsenal at all. His physicality and efficient approach to the position would, however, make him an ideal centre-back for the Gunners. After all, he’s a more offensive-minded player than Senderos, quite suited to Arsenal’s style.

Whether or not he’ll play for an English team remains to be determined…”

…

“Cole will go to Chelski. Gallas will go to Arsenal (with £10 Mil stuffed in his boots). It’s inevitable.

But I’d prefer to see Bridge get the opportunity to solidify his place at left-back. He looked dangerous and full of pace against Man City. The performance he put in doesn’t deserve to be ignored in favor of an overrated name. Let’s not forget that Cashley Cole hasn’t looked up to speed for the Gunners or England since he turned up injured. Chelsea would be wise to cut off the deal and ship Gallas to Italy or France.”

…

“If he must come, Cole will have to adapt to Chelsea’s style. It isn’t a long and open game like Arsenal’s, it’s terse and brutally efficient. Without a doubt, it’s totally English… And Cole never seems as effective playing for England as he does for Arsenal.

Honestly, he won’t fit in anywhere else near as well as he did at Highbury. The team’s fluidity and loose, open style deserve to be acknowledged for taking Ashley’s appeal to the next level.”

…

Feel free to offer up any speculation that comes to mind.

technorati tags:Ashley, Cole, Arsenal, Chelsea, Gallas, EPL, Footy, England

Silly Video: Ali G Plays a Few off Posh & Becks

Saw this video today and, after I managed to stop laughing and pull myself up off the floor, decided to share it with you lads.

In it, Becks and Posh sit down with main man Ali G and just really take a beating.  “Respect” to them for holding it together and laughing rather than blowing up.
Excellent stuff.

technorati tags:Beckham, Posh, Ali-G, Footy

Chelsea v Manchester City 8/20/2006

Scoreline: Chelsea 3-0 Manchester City

Chelski looked totally solid.

The back line was, as always, completely in control.  In fact, Wayne Bridge actually charged forward a few times and looked quite good.  He put in a handful of good crosses and one low,  pacey ball in particular resulted in a well-taken goal by Drogba.  Offensively, he looked better than prancey Bambi-del-Horno ever did.  It was nice to see a left back actually attack the back line and not sit at the half to punch useless balls over the top.

And Lampard scored again on a deflected shot.  Good stuff from him.  I suppose he isn’t ready to completely get back in to goal scoring mode, so claiming deflected balls is his way of playing with a handicap.   Another month of those and maybe he’ll be able to crack one in all on his own?

And Essien!  Yikes, I prefer him in the Makelele role more than I do Makelele.  He’s a superb utility man but he’s got pace and the ability to put it on target, both weaknesses in the aging Makelele’s game.  Okay, fine, shooting isn’t a “weakness” for Makelele, it’s an abstract foreign concept.

Sheva was rather quiet but he was eager to impress, and the fans seem to have already fallen in love.  His little “Marseille Roulette” at the top of the box was enough to keep me cheery… for now.

About the only starter that failed to impress at all (but really needed to) was Shaun Wright-Phillips.  What happened to his confidence?  His quickness?  His ability to run the ball ’round even ONE defender?  Step it up, lad.

On a side-note, no player stood out for City.  Dunne did his best to control his back line but they just couldn’t keep up.

Promising stuff from Chelski.

technorati tags:Chelsea, Manchester, City, England, EPL, Footy, Football, Soccer, EPL

Reading v Middlesbrough 19/8/2006

Scoreline: Reading 3-2 Middlesbrough

What a game.  WIthout a doubt, Saturday’s best.

Reading proved today that they’ve got the talent (Kitson, Seol), drive, and team chemistry to avoid relegation.  If they continue on in their current form and don’t get too knocked up, they might even do as well as last year’s Wigan.

They’re quite a scrappy little squad and they worked hard to come back from 2 down to beat Middlesbrough.

Reading’s wingers (Seol and the American Convey) just tore Parnaby and Arca to pieces.  Once Reading relaxed they started to control the game and really took it to Boro.

Great stuff.

technorati tags:Reading, Middlesbrough, EPL, England, Footie, Football, Soccer

Bolton v Tottenham 19/8/2006

Scoreline: Bolton 2-0 Tottenham

That’ll be a rough loss for Tottenham, and leave the toons shaking their heads.

Robinson was unlucky not to save Campo’s 40-yard strike as it skipped oddly across the top of the pitch. 

And Bolton were quite lucky not to have their goal disallowed for a foul on one of Tottenham’s defenders.

Overall, a solid, physical performance from Bolton.  The back line looked very stable and, despite Tottenham’s sizable advantage in posession, never seemed like giving up a goal.  Tottenham’s new signing, Dimitri Berbatov, looked comfortable but wasn’t allowed any free space to operate.  Aaron Lennon was also closed down and failed to make an impression.  Defoe remained a nonfactor for most of the match.

Tottenham will need to work on their attacking edge.  The midfield lacked stability without Carrick, and Jenas is still too inconsistent to be relied upon in the centre.

technorati tags:Bolton, Tottenham, Footie, Football, Soccer, England, Barclay’s, EPL

Newcastle v Wigan 19/8/2006

Scoreline: Newcastle 2-1 Wigan

(38th Minute) Ameobi takes a long-ball beautifully on his chest and
works it down to the touch line before slipping and just managing to
chip a dangerous ball across the face of goal. Newly appointed Magpies
captain, Scott Parker, comes sprinting in and punches it into the back
of the net. Well taken goal by perhaps the Prem’s hardest working
center-mid.

(58th Minute) Confusion and a poor header by the Newcastle defense
allows Heskey to head out wide to Lee McCulloch. Calmly, he takes it on
his thigh, sets up his shot with a dribble, and finishes clinically
from 13 feet out with a right-footed curler. Through three Magpie
defenders, Shay Given had little chance.

(63rd Minute) Wigan are controlling the pace before Newcastle pounce
on the counter. Duff’s clever flick sets up N’Zogbia’s run down the
middle. His low, driven shot from the top of the box, taken on the run,
bounces off the Wigan keeper and Ameobi adjusts himself well to finish
easily into an open net. Unfortunate for Wigan, who were tempting after their goal.

Summary: Overall, not a bad match for either side.  Although Wigan out-shot Newcastle two-to-one, both sides looked capable of getting the job done.

Wigan will walk away frustrated, but their effort wasn’t poor and they showed quite a bit of promise.  Newcastle will also be able to take a lot away from the match.  Their midfield and attackers were clever, all full of potential.  The defense, however, will need serious work.  Only Titus Bramble looked good.  Confusion and slopiness marked the back line’s effort.

Man of the match is certainly Newcastle’s Shola Ameobi.  He came on early for Butt and had both a goal and an assist.  Solid performance.  Runner-up might be Nolberto Solano who turned out to be in the right position on more than one occassion, getting up for a few attacking headers and also clearing one off his own goal line.

New signing Damien Duff looked uncomfortable up top with N’Zogbia, but managed to get in on the Magpies’ second goal.  Hopefully he will settle in.

Wigan’s Lee McCulloch had his side’s only goal and it was well-taken.  As always, Wigan perform well as a team but don’t quite have that individual edge to capitalize.  Camara also looked dangerous and was unlucky not to score.

technorati tags:Newcastle, Wigan, Footie, EPL, Football, Barclay, Soccer, England